Joe P. has been silently challenging me to another list-off for the last month, and it’s high time I rejoined the blog fracas anyhow. This one will be brief, though.
Here’s how it goes: name five great movies and then five directors whose involvement in the films would have ruined them utterly.
1. Annie Hall as directed by Michael Bay
This is, if not my favorite movie, then at least among the 4-5 films that rotate through the “favorite” slot, depending upon my inebriation and/or level of relationship-depression. So it would be easy to mess it up. But it would take Michael Bay to really do the job right. I imagine he would artificially heighten the stakes of all the scenes with super close-up shots and lots of brow sweat on all the actors. Undoubtedly, he would turn Allen’s satisfying decrescendo ending into a twenty-minute explosion fest.
The good news: Christopher Walken would probably get a lot more screen time. The bad news: His fiery car crash would no longer be merely a creepy-ass fantasy.
2. Wild Strawberries as directed by Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas
I think watching this film for the first time might have been what turned me into an amateur film snob. Not that I actually know anything about films, but I was totally impressed with the fact that I had stayed awake through a black and white film in Swedish, obtained at least a passable understanding of its significant themes, and, most importantly, recognized Max Von Sydow, whom I knew better as Brewmeister Smith of Elsinore Brewery. Which is why I think that the perfect way to ruin this movie would be to let the McKenzie brothers into it.
The good news: It would probably re-imagine a Shakespeare tragedy. The bad news: It would do so really, really badly.
3. Casablanca as directed by Guy Ritchie
I actually like Guy Ritchie movies. Or rather, I like that one movie he’s been doing in installments for the last ten years. What’s it called…Lock, Snatch, and Two Smoking Revolvers or something like that. It’s the Jason Statham biopic. The scary thing is that Casablanca actually has the kind of plot arc that Ritchie leans on so much - basically the con that goes wrong, looks double-crossed, but turns out well because of the totally unforseen ending. What’s even scarier is that this hypothetical is probably way closer to reality than I’m comfortable with.
The good news: At least it’s not Michael Bay. The bad news: Jason Statham as Rick Blaine.
4. To Kill a Mockingbird as directed by John McTiernan
This is not to say that John McTiernen is a bad director. He isn’t. At least, I don’t think he is. I mean, he gave us generation-defining movies like Predator, Die Hard, and The Hunt for Red October, but then went on to squeeze out turds like Medicine Man, Last Action Hero, and Rollerball. The first half of his career was like what Michael Bay aspires to be, but the second half of his career has been like a parody of Michael Bay (can I get another Michael Bay reference, please?). I expect him to do something similar with this film - the first half rolls along okay, though we don’t understand why Atticus Finch always has something pithy to say through gritted teeth while shit blows up all around him, and then at the 45 minute mark the whole thing derails when Atticus begins to suspect that the whole rape trial is rigged by a shadowy government agency and realizes that he alone can save the planet by exposing the conspiracy through superior firepower and his ability to deliver lines while kneeling beside the tire of a burning car.
The good news: It’s only 90 minutes long. The bad news: It’s 90 whole minutes long.
5. The Big Lebowski as directed by the Wachowski brothers
It seems only fair that we hand off Lebowski from the Coens to another set of brothers. It is, however, unfortunate that it’s these brothers. I loved The Matrix. I have a copy of it next to my TV right now. But then I watched the rest of the trilogy, which is not good. And then I saw about 10 minutes of Speed Racer, which made me feel like my eyes had been raped by a gumdrop on acid. With a remake of Lebowski, I expect the Wachowskis to introduce a groundbreaking digital effect every 20 minutes, but to also fill the second half of the film with gaping plot holes. The movie will end with an extended industrial music video compilation.
The good news: John Goodman is still in it. The bad news: He’s dressed in a latex bodysuit, a la Trinity.